Reignin and I have been friends now for several months. Things are usually great between us but lately it has been stagnant. I haven’t been talking to him as much and that is due to our busy schedules. Things have changed since we spoken to each other. Deep down inside, I miss him. I want to talk to him and hear his voice. But for whatever reason, we are apart. I often wonder if we are still friends.
I have been traveling, booked and busy. I have accumulated enough money to take a break from it all. The world of comedy is a bit shallow due to the industry standards, and even the audience standards. But lately, it kinda has taken its toll because you have to be careful of what you say and try not to offend anyone which makes it seems like less comedy and more of a therapist thing; and trust me, I am not a therapist. If I wanted to be a therapist I would’ve went to school and got accredited for that field. But that wasn’t my calling.
After all the trauma I have been through, I was taking my healing journey very seriously. I had to heal because I was carrying some serious weight. The last thing I wanted to do was bring that into the next relationship. Many nights I prayed to God asking him to help me form a healthy bond with Reignin because simply put, that is who I truly want to be with. He was my soulmate, my twin flame, my heart and joy. After breaking up with him, I took some time to re-evaluate my life and I wanted him to re-evaluate his too. During the post break up, we have casually hung out with each other, have deep and meaningful conversations and even truly got to know one another on a much deeper level. I understand that he is a comedian and a writer as well and before the disconnect, he told me he was writing a book. He has a job working the comic section for a local newspaper in New York and is also doing an national tour. So yes, he is a busy man and I cannot demand much from him.
But now, I am coming to my senses. I want a relationship with him. I want to take things serious and secure my position in his life as his main source of femininity, I want to be his wife, and I want him to be my main source of masculinity. We bump into each other during our own careers but it’s only a hello and we disappear into our own worlds within our careers. I have been debating on calling him, the few times I have done that, he doesn’t answer and it rings all the way to voicemail.
Lately, I have been feeling very sad because he isn’t in my world. I want to be with him real bad. I want to express these feelings to him, but I don’t want to live bomb him. But I have these feelings and I hate holding them in. I usually start of texting him but then I screenshot the messages I wrote and then delete the messages all together because I’m nervous. But why? It’s not like I haven’t been around him before and converse with him before.
Last month, we were at a gathering. We didn’t go together, he wasn’t my date but it was an award ceremony. I was nominated for female comic of the year and of course, I won. I heard claps and cheers and after the ceremony, there was a dinner and few after-parties. I went to one where he was there and we said hellos and that was pretty much it. I felt some kind of way because he acted as if he didn’t know me. Deep down, I felt like he had a date and that he didn’t want anyone to know that we knew each other. During the night, an hour later, he acknowledge me again and was like “okay Jessica, I see you” in which I smiled. I tried to converse with him again but he was dismissive. I asked him to dance with me and told me “maybe to another song” in which two songs came on that turned into four. By that point, I was feeling disappointed and decided to leave the event. I said my goodbyes to everyone and made sure I said my goodbyes to him in which I told him that I really liked him and asked him when will I see him again, in which he replied, “Soon.” I said okay and left on that note.
After that event and a few gigs, I decided to take a much needed break. During this break, I focused on my mental health and my spirituality. I was super stuck on Reignin and I couldn’t get over that night. That negative thoughts and feelings started to come in. I have met with a therapist to address old issues and trauma and spoke about my feelings with Reignin and she mentioned something on the lines of patience.
My therapist told me to analyze the situation of why he may be dismissive towards me, she took me back to the break-up. She reminded me that during that time was when he needed me the most, maybe he unsure about me and he doesn’t want to get hurt again. She also addressed my thinking traps that caused me to be negative and reminded me about the power of prayer and communication. So also reminded me about how having patience is such a virtue. She told me to focus on healing myself so I will be able to be there for him as a lover. She told me that patience was the theme for the situation at this time.
After seeing my therapist, I decided to get a tarot reading done, during the tarot reading I pulled the two of cups, the sun, the ten of wands, the six of pentacles, the lovers card, the star and the ten of pentacles. The reader also told me that in this situation it required patience. That I needed to be patient with him and understand that he has a lot going on that his focus wasn’t on me or a relationship and that he was still healing from past relationships and traumas but that he is thinking about me and he has feelings for me too. He is just trying to figure things out and that I needed to put my faith in God and understand that my prayers will be answered.
A month later, I decided to text him how I felt. I couldn’t hold it in anymore but of he didn’t text back or respond, I understood but as long as I got what I needed of my chest, that was what mattered. I told him that “I think about him every day and night, that I truly miss him and I want something serious. I love him and everything about him even the flaws. I understand if your too busy to think about this and I respect that. But I wanted to get this off my chest so I could feel better and sleep good at night. I want to be your woman and build a happy and healthy relationship with you that includes fun and growth and mystery.” I pressed the send button and all I can do at this point is be patient and focus on myself, for now.